I don’t want to use that term lightly. Being a man is something beyond having a penis and some facial hair. It’s beyond construction boots and lifted trucks. It’s bigger than fishing and hunting or football or martial arts. All of these things, besides the penis, women can do as well. Being a man is more about what goes on within ourselves, then in appearances or hobbies.
Recently I’ve been reading some books recommended to me about men, manhood, masculinity, and other men topics. I’ve also listened to several podcasts and audiobooks, and as I cut through the facade, because there is a huge facade, of bullshit talk and the actual walk, I’ve come to learn quite a few things that ring bells. As I go into the list below, I want to make it known that in my life, I have probably gone against almost everything you’re going to read. It wasn’t until recently that I found my grip on things, on the real world, on why things happen the way they happen and more. For a long time in my life I’ve been the little boy, afraid of the big bad wolf, and the consequences of those actions have smacked me dead in the face and given me many wake up calls. The journey is individualistic in nature and everyone is different. What you experienced as a child has a lasting impact on who you are today and for many decades now, Moms and Dads have been getting it wrong. We’re in a situation now where our little boys are being turned into pussies, scaredy cats, and Momma Boys. It’s a hard truth that men and women both need to realize, so that this generation of boys can grow into Wild Men, real men, and their true self.
Here’s what I’ve learned about being a man:
- Men make decisions
You want to go out to dinner with your wife? Don’t ask her where, or IF, she wants to go. Just make the decision and do it. Men are decisive. When there is doubt, it’s unattractive and creates tension. As leaders men need to make fast decisions based on their values, their feelings, and their wants. What a man wants is important and when he’s decisive on his wants, his confidence shines and he stands with authority.
- Men need to be initiated into manhood
In aboriginal cultures, South American cultures, and many other countries around the world, especially in tribal communities, boys are initiated into manhood. This is something the American culture has forgotten and it creates many problems as the boy grows into an adult. An uninitiated man is indecisive, not confident, worrisome, and operates from a little boy perspective.
- Men help out around the house and are active with their children
A man in the house who doesn’t change diapers, feed a child, cook for the family, do the dishes and laundry, and clean the house is a man who doesn’t have his priorities straight. Men help out around the house to let their wives relax when needed and they play with their children. They read books to their children. They run around the house like a nut with their children. They punish when needed and coddle when needed. A man puts his family first in everything he does, and within that family, he puts his wife first.
- Men need to be a part of a Men’s Group
There are a lot of men who don’t have quality male mentors in their lives. Some men feel they don’t have anyone to talk to you about important topics or men who will hold them accountable and push them to develop their skills to become the best man they can be. Men’s Groups are critical for the livelihood of men and their positive mental attitudes. There are thousands of men’s groups across the country that are helping men grow, give, perform, and continue to be happy. Men need a sacred circle of guys they trust who will not bullshit them, who will help them, guide them, and listen to them. Men also need men’s groups for outings such as camping, fishing, beer drinking, poker games, fitness events, and more. Here is an online Men’s Group you can join Free: Your Life Alpha
- Men need to channel their Warrior Spirit
There is warrior energy in every man. In today’s society we think of those in the Armed Forces as Warriors, or movie stars and Mixed Martial Art Champions, or National Football League All-Pros. But the truth is, we all have a warrior spirit and many men are uncomfortable with it. Ever since the industrial revolution the warrior energy has been suppressed in men all over the world. The warrior energy inside of every man is the energy that pushes them to fight for their lives, their successes, their families, their finances, and their health. Many people fear the warrior because they feel men will use it to be abusive and angry. Men have been afraid of channeling the warrior within because they want to be Mr. Nice Guy. But the warrior energy channeled properly will help men become confident, purposeful, aggressive in a sense of action not violence, and able to survive the obstacles that life throws our way. Channel this energy through physical action such as martial arts, exercise, hiking, boxing, and also self-improvement.
- Men have boundaries and Defend Them
Sometimes men need to be the bad guy and stand up to their beliefs and values. An example of boundaries might be at work when you are already working overtime and your boss pushes more onto your desk. You have an event to go to that your kid is in and if you stay you’ll miss it again, but this time you say no and tell the boss that your family comes first and that you must go. Worrying about getting fired is weakness. Standing up to your values is strength. Men do not let others take advantage of them. They control their lives and act accordingly to what they believe in and value. Men don’t accept boundary pushers and do not allow them in their lives or space.
- Men are leaders
A man must be a leader. Whether it’s leading at home with his family, at work in his department, or in a group of friends, a man needs to be a good leader. What makes a good leader? They’re honest, dependable, smart, decisive, ambitious, and able to control situations. Many men are afraid of being the leader in their home or career. They don’t want the awesome responsibility of making decisions and being honest with their feelings. Men that are good leaders are not lazy. They handle their business effectively and create a positive atmosphere. Being a good leader, men are not manipulated by their wives, co-workers, friends, and other family members. Men that are leaders initiate and act on their feelings without asking for permission and they do so out of love. Men can’t be good leaders if they are not leading by example either. Men must lead by backing up the talk with walking the walk.
- Men have discipline, confidence, and are dependable
Men are not babies and don’t make excuses. They have discipline. With their fitness men are disciplined to make it to the gym and get the work done. They have discipline to eat healthy foods more than they eat like shit. In their work they are disciplined to do the tasks needed to get the job done. They are disciplined in how they treat their vehicles and their home. As they use discipline to help them succeed in life, they do so with confidence. A man has confidence in his appearance, his thoughts, his work, his ability to be a leader in his home, career, and community, and they are dependable. A man doesn’t say they will be there, wherever that is, and not show up. They get there early.
- Men have a purpose driven life
Men don’t go to work and come home to sit their asses on the couch and sink into the pollution of television. Men have a purpose and they follow it with confidence. Men work hard and have a plan for that work. They know where they want to go and they work hard to get there. Thomas Carlyle once said “A man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder.” If you don’t have a purpose, or know it, all you need to do is ask yourself “What do I want from life?” And then go fucking get it.
- Men are life learners
Men spend more time learning new things then they do wasting their time in Facebook and through television. I heard Tony Robbins once say “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” Men who have no growth game in their life are dying and wasting away. If you want to make more money, you need to learn how to do it. If you want to lose twenty pounds, you need to learn how to do it. Men who know what they want in life are learning about how to get it right now while the little boys are playing xBox, watching mindless television crap, or down at the bar drinking for the third night in a row.
- Men avoid Domestication
Domestication is a hard word for people to hear, especially little boys. They don’t believe they’re being domesticated by being told what to do and what to think and what to buy, but it happens everywhere. Not only does corporate America try to domesticate men, but women do as well. When a man gets married it’s not uncommon to hear his wife’s lady friends or mothers, aunts, and other female relatives say something like “So you’ve got him domesticated now!” Like it is something special and noteworthy. Women can begin to “domesticate” their men after marriage by playing with their emotions, their decisiveness, their ability to lead, and their hobbies. A woman can begin to “not accept” that her husband stays out on Friday playing poker with the boys, and when he does, she gets “angry and upset” and shows those emotions through tears and refusal of sex. Men don’t allow them to do this. They call out their childish behavior and stand up to them. Little boys try to “make it up” to them or beg for forgiveness. Men also don’t allow anyone to tell them what to think, buy, say, and feel.
Today I continue my learning on becoming a better man, a better husband, better at everything. I have learned much through my failures as both a business owner and a husband, as well as a father. The thing is, I see much of what I did wrong happening in the lives of other men and I see a great need to help them and others become their best self. That is why I created the free Facebook group found here: Your Life Alpha. Check it out and let me know what you’ve learned about being a man.