My Truth

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My poor me attitude kicked my ass.

My social anxiety leaves me far beyond the reaches of my ability.

My depression confines me.

My anger overwhelms me and scares those closest to me.

I can’t say I have my shit together, because I’m barely holding on.

I never had both feet on the ground. My shoulders rise to my ears and slump forward.

My solar plexus full of emotions held in and buried deep.

My hips and gluteus muscles are chronically sore, tight, and injured. This also affects my back. Some days you can visibly see a curvature of my spine. Days go by where I lay on the heating pad.

Writer’s block choked me out. A few years ago I wrote over three hundred blog posts and five books, all published on Amazon. Today, I struggle with my thoughts.

I can’t concentrate. My focus is stolen by trivial matters and facebook.

Days go by where emails go unread and not responded too.

I blame it on my kids. I blame it on waking up at Three thirty in the morning. I blame it on eating dinner at eight thirty at night.

I never look myself in the face in the mirror and blame the only person or thing responsible for any issue in my life.

Holding it together is a mission but something I’ve become very good at.

There are brief moments in time when I improve my shit and get clear, focused, and centered.

Then it fades away when a hiccup in life happens.

Recently I was high as fuck. Not from drugs or drink but from life. We moved, the gym was doing well, the people in the gym are awesome, and my training program was doing great. I was building solid muscle, getting strong as shit, and losing some body fat. Life was awesome.

Then my daughter got sick and it went on for three weeks. We ended up in the emergency room, admitted, and spent four days there.

Life wasn’t so awesome in that moment and it derailed me from the high I was riding.

It’s been a struggle getting back on the wagon. I also recently hurt my back again but I’m pushing through.

My mentor and friend recently asked a question about what was wrong or what needed a change and I said I was stuck. I couldn’t concentrate and write. I couldn’t share my thoughts or find my vision.

He told me “The next step is always the same [so write]” and here we are.. writing.

Writing these thoughts is tough to read and it’s going to be tough to share when I post it on Facebook, but it’s the truth and in today’s world.. there’s not a lot of truth telling on social media. Many people paint their lives like it’s perfect, like their soul is good. But the truth is, that’s a lie. There are a lot of people struggling with things in life. A lot of people doing it quietly, and alone.

You need to know that it’s okay to not be “good” and to feel “fucked up”. This is life and it’s suffering. The meaning of life is to suffer. It happens everywhere and we can’t deny that truth anymore. We have to accept the fact that life is suffering.

But we don’t have to give in and give up.

We must use that suffering to become stronger and find happiness and meaning in little things, or big things. Like family, friends, service..

We’re all in this together. Let’s stop pretending we’re good.

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