It’s been awhile since I wrote and the last time I wrote I said the same thing…
A lot has happened in the past few months.
My family and I moved from where we were living to another place and saved a ton of money. We decided to say F the man and stop paying for ridiculous amounts of taxes and other things and now we’re better off.
During that time, I’m not going to lie, I went through some dark shit. I was tired, exhausted, frustrated, worried, anxious, nervous, depressed, angry, and a million other emotions at the same time. It sucked. I was not a happy person and was very unpleasant and many things happened over the course of the last two years that really got to my head.
I could sit here and pretend like life was awesome, being a coach and a trainer the norm is to say it was.. to pretend like everything is gravy. The truth is, much of it fucking sucked.
Many people put on a mask of denial and “fakeness” and walk through life never addressing the elephant in the room. For me it was different but very similar. I did hide a lot but I also confronted the shit that needed to change. Much still needs to be addressed but slowly I am making my way to a new light.
For the past few months I was reflecting back on my writing, my attitude and my mindset.. my goals too.
I realized that a few years ago I was high.. super high… and not in the drug use way. I was high on life.. high on energy.. high on positivity and sunshine. Life was rainbows and glitter and superhero smashing. But then it all came crashing down and I was defeated. Stranded in a lonely world of darkness and anger and it affected EVERYTHING.
Looking back I see the books I wrote, the blog posts, the facebook images I created all touting positive attitudes and living a great life.. living activated…. awake and alive.
Problem came when that shit broke, and so did I.
I tried to force myself to write positive blog posts. Emails, blogs, and facebook posts about abundant living, happy times, glorious moments, and kicking ass and taking names. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake it.
My mindset and my heart was not there for that. I was hurt and I needed to retreat. I needed time to reflect on life and where I wanted to go with it. Writing anything but Fuck, Shit, Bitch, or Cocksucker was not happening.
Quoting and paraphrasing Prodigy from Mobb Deep “Yeah yo.. my attitude is all fucked up and real shitty.” But that’s exactly what it was like and it nearly ruined me, my business, and my marriage. I can’t say things are good now.. we all know I’m fucked up.. but so are you.. we all are and a great friend once said “let’s stop pretending”.
There’s a lot of work to be done and I have no idea when I’ll write again and what direction I’ll go in.. but the fact is.. I got that crap off my chest and if you don’t like the F word.. sorry.. but I’m not sorry. It’s muse material flowing through the stream of consciousness and when that shit calls.. you don’t stop writing.. you don’t censor.. you let it spit.