This has proven to be quite hard recently. I’ve had much trouble trying to get things out of my mind and onto your screen. Most of my attention lately, when it comes to writing, has been shifted to my gym’s page at www.hackettstownfitness.com and on that gym page’s email newsletter. Even still, it has been quite like a form of torture. The words are dragging and the fight to release the tension inside the mind and veins has been nearly crippling. It’s been several weeks since my last post. I’m ready for something more, something new.
The problem is, I haven’t got the slightest clue what I want to write about. I enjoy helping people change their lives through fitness and motivation. At the Activate Fitness page there are over 200 posts on diet, exercise, and mindset. I can go back and tighten them up, switch a few pieces of work here and there, and make a new post- but that’s boring. It doesn’t need the muse and doesn’t fit the fancy of the pleasure I get from writing.
The other day I tried an exercise to get the words flowing. I had no idea what I was writing about, except, in the back of my mind- the exact idea of what to write about. Here is what came out in it’s first draft…
“Stuffed up, stuck, crazy and unknown. Blank, dark, hot or cold. The world is rough. The streets are tough. Life isn’t a game, it’s a challenge. Face your fears or face the consequences. Broke, tired, bored, lonely, poverty stricken. Shame. Unknown thoughts and dreams spun around like a crazy web of gooey substances. Dark lights and Hammered Angels. Rides to the park, not in the dark, cold and wet, sunny and humid. Faced the consequence, fell to my feet. Knees buckled, people laughed, tired.. of being sick and tired. Poor me, poor shoes. Poor me, poor foods. It’s not my fault you see. Blind as a bat. It’s the man. Striking his hand. Fists to the face. Floored with emotions. Longing for more. Will it ever be?”
A work of writer’s block and an exercise to find the muse and get back to work. To help those who need a lift, an inspiration, help they may not find elsewhere. Pure subconscious firing out of the void as you can see the words “The world is rough. The streets are tough.” For it once was in my life like that and life is indeed a challenge. We’re here to learn something, whatever it is, and it’s our job to face the challenge and keep moving ever so slightly forward until we find out.. why?
Facing your fears is a must if you hope to evolve. Without facing them, you will surely find that the world is rough and the streets are tough. I once fell a victim to my fears. Who am I kidding? Once? Ha. Try once a day, maybe even once an hour. But when those particular fears were victorious over my true self and became friends with Mr. Ego, it was easy to lay down defeated. I hid my passions, I hid my knowledge, and I hid in the darkest of all pits, smack dab on Rock Bottom.
Unknown thoughts spun around like a crazy web. Writer’s block. Mental exhaustion. The muse is on vacation. Or is it the writer, the hand in charge, finding an excuse to just not sit down and do the work? Steven Pressfield says to put your ass where your heart is and right now, it is, but it’s a lot more difficult than many can imagine. Steven King demands one to two thousand words a day, on paper, regardless of what is going on in life. Resistance, as Pressfield calls it, seems to win much more often than the Muse. A war of wits, passion, patience, commitment and doing the work.
How can the Muse defeat Resistance when all he or she wants to do is kick back on the island, smoking a fat Cuban, with a Corona in hand?
“Poor me, poor shoes. Poor me, poor foods.” Another glimpse of the deep subconscious. When I let resistance win and let fear over take my life I allowed the consequences of my actions to destroy me. What came out of the deep mind in those eight words was recollection of when I had no job or money and my sneakers were basically falling apart. The same time when my meals were 99 cent bags of Doritos or a frozen meal for about the same cost. But why would it come out so many years later? What is the subconscious, or maybe even the muse, trying to tell me?
Sounds insane and like a bunch of flubber bullshit but the fact remains that I keep making excuses for NOT sitting down and writing. Every time I do, I keep making excuses as to “Not knowing what to write about.” But this time was different. I had no idea what I wanted to blog about, but I just let it flow. It seems that when resistance has a strong hold of your work, it suffers a lot.. until you actually fight back and just act like a fool.
This doesn’t mean much, but I do believe there is a lesson in this 15 minutes I have sat down in front of the computer. The lesson seems to be that deep inside the subconscious mind there is a whole world of content, of art, of powerful words and memories that want to come out. I feel an isolation tank visit is in order to try and file all of the thoughts into some neat drawers. I think I know where I go forward from here with the writing I find so hard to let go of. My past, the story of who I was, where and how deep I went, and why I decided to crawl out has a powerful message for others. It’s time to let go of the fear of ridicule or looking like an ass. It’s time for me to let you know who I truly am and what I was, but hated and despised.
15 minutes and a whole new vision was released. I said my prayer to the muse before I started and they didn’t let me down. I see you’re back from your vacation. It was a long trip, I hope you stay for awhile.
Here is a post I wrote the other day I never really published: The Muse is on Vacation