The Gym Path Closed, The Journey is the Reward


A few months ago I closed my gym. For me it was time to walk away and onto the next chapter of my life. The decision to close took over a year., the announcement took five minutes. Doing so was a big deal for me. For the past seven years I have been helping people improve their lives through fitness and motivation.

I helped people lose 80 pounds, 50 pounds, and gain 30 pounds of solid muscle. I wrote five books that are published and for sale on Amazon at the moment. On my blog I published over 500 posts written to motivate readers to live their best life. Living “awake and alive” was a tagline I used often. Awake and Alive stuck with me after hearing the Skillet song with the same title. Before I became a trainer I was a drug addict. I was homeless and broke and lost. Meeting my wife and making fitness a priority changed my life. It helped me feel “awake and alive”.

But something happened along the way. I stopped caring. I disconnected. I became lost again. Going to the gym for my daily routine of training classes, helping people burn stress and calories, made me angry. I lost the drive to count reps and scream “Woooo”, to help people realize they’re stronger than they think. It was a burden on my soul. I was consumed with resentment towards the people who were coming because I didn’t want to be there. That was the final straw in the decision to close.

My self education in sales, marketing, training, writing, and more could’ve brought me to success beyond belief but instead, it drove me to burn out and disgust. But I can’t be mad or regretful because things happen for a reason and the time I spent at Activate Fitness was some of the best years of my life.

Now, my focus has shifted towards healing. Healing from years of sleep neglect from waking up before the chickens cackle and pushing too hard through the stresses of that life. Today I’m still lost and disconnected from part of the life that helped me grow my business. Writing is a passion as well as reading and both are held captive with a ransom. A few years ago it was common for me to read a book a week and to write at least ten thousand words a week through various means. Today, I don’t write (yet I am trying as you can see), and I read a book a month. Building on this is important.

Progress not perfection. What remains to be found is where this road will lead me. Training was fun. The people amazing. The hours sucked balls and the commute was dreadful. But the experience was lasting. One day at a time. Life has a mysterious force to it. The tug I felt to close the gym was another path letting me know it needed me. What the path holds is the next adventure in a life full surprises. The journey continues.


Force Won’t Work Anymore


I can start off with a sobering tone and whine about how hard my life has been the past two years, but instead of looking for sympathy or support, I want teach something from my experience. Today, I’m taking the second step in getting my mind right. The first step was calling a doctor and asking for help.

What I thought was just a funk is proving to be much more. I can’t seem to snap out of it fully and feel myself. I am forcing through willpower, discipline and determination to be better and live my life activated. But it’s exhausting and not natural. About 5 to 6 years ago I was on fire. I started a fitness business from scratch and grew it fast. I went from my driveway to an MMA gym to my own facility and did so starting with zero dollars. I began writing and published 5 books. My blog had new posts every other day and my social media conversations were electric. The Your Life Activated podcast went up with over 40 episodes and it all felt easy. I was in a FLOW state and much of the writing and audio work was stream of consciousness, meaning it just came.. easily. I didn’t have to think.

Then things got tricky and began to plummet. My mindset shifted, my energy dulled, and my enthusiasm for helping people vanished. There were a couple of situations I avoided because I hate confrontation and it crawled up my back and blinded me to reality. Eventually I had to take action and change what was happening, but it was hard.

For the past two years I have lived quietly and secluded from much because I know I am not living the best life I can. Life kicked me, punched me, and hulk smashed me into the ground and it ruined a lot of the fun I was having. All of it created from within. Many good people have stopped coming around because they sense it and don’t need it. I can’t let that happen anymore.

Willpower is working and my discipline is growing stronger but eventually the road will end. You can try to force a square peg into a round hole but sooner or later the peg will break or the hole will crack, or worse it gets stuck, and then things are fucked. Force doesn’t work out in the long run. Besides, when things were coming naturally and flowing through me, it was effortless.

Looking back through my books and blog posts I see that I go through peaks and valleys. One month I’m on fire, the next I want to hide. For the sake of my happiness and the people around me, enough is enough.

For the past few weeks I have been doing higher intensity workouts to pump blood through my body, boost dopamine, and exert pent up energy. I continue to push myself outside of the comfort zone I resided in for years. I have also been using CBD oil for anxiety and pain relief since May of last year and can say that it has genuinely helped reduce anxiety and has allowed me to move and feel much better, especially in my hips.

It’s been some time since I wrote a heartfelt blog post with the intention of helping others and it feels good to do so. I know others are suffering through difficult stages of life and you don’t have to do it alone. Mission: Reintroduce me to the old me and then say hi to the New Me. Objective: Feel better. Recapture the energy of my passion and use it to help others reach their goals. Until then, believe in yourself.

My Truth


My poor me attitude kicked my ass.

My social anxiety leaves me far beyond the reaches of my ability.

My depression confines me.

My anger overwhelms me and scares those closest to me.

I can’t say I have my shit together, because I’m barely holding on.

I never had both feet on the ground. My shoulders rise to my ears and slump forward.

My solar plexus full of emotions held in and buried deep.

My hips and gluteus muscles are chronically sore, tight, and injured. This also affects my back. Some days you can visibly see a curvature of my spine. Days go by where I lay on the heating pad.

Writer’s block choked me out. A few years ago I wrote over three hundred blog posts and five books, all published on Amazon. Today, I struggle with my thoughts.

I can’t concentrate. My focus is stolen by trivial matters and facebook.

Days go by where emails go unread and not responded too.

I blame it on my kids. I blame it on waking up at Three thirty in the morning. I blame it on eating dinner at eight thirty at night.

I never look myself in the face in the mirror and blame the only person or thing responsible for any issue in my life.

Holding it together is a mission but something I’ve become very good at.

There are brief moments in time when I improve my shit and get clear, focused, and centered.

Then it fades away when a hiccup in life happens.

Recently I was high as fuck. Not from drugs or drink but from life. We moved, the gym was doing well, the people in the gym are awesome, and my training program was doing great. I was building solid muscle, getting strong as shit, and losing some body fat. Life was awesome.

Then my daughter got sick and it went on for three weeks. We ended up in the emergency room, admitted, and spent four days there.

Life wasn’t so awesome in that moment and it derailed me from the high I was riding.

It’s been a struggle getting back on the wagon. I also recently hurt my back again but I’m pushing through.

My mentor and friend recently asked a question about what was wrong or what needed a change and I said I was stuck. I couldn’t concentrate and write. I couldn’t share my thoughts or find my vision.

He told me “The next step is always the same [so write]” and here we are.. writing.

Writing these thoughts is tough to read and it’s going to be tough to share when I post it on Facebook, but it’s the truth and in today’s world.. there’s not a lot of truth telling on social media. Many people paint their lives like it’s perfect, like their soul is good. But the truth is, that’s a lie. There are a lot of people struggling with things in life. A lot of people doing it quietly, and alone.

You need to know that it’s okay to not be “good” and to feel “fucked up”. This is life and it’s suffering. The meaning of life is to suffer. It happens everywhere and we can’t deny that truth anymore. We have to accept the fact that life is suffering.

But we don’t have to give in and give up.

We must use that suffering to become stronger and find happiness and meaning in little things, or big things. Like family, friends, service..

We’re all in this together. Let’s stop pretending we’re good.

Supplements I Started Taking and Why


In the last couple of months I have been pretty distant from everyone and everything. I’ve been trying to figure out this game called life and trying to figure out what was going on with me. I spent a lot of time researching different aspects of psychology, physiology, and much more. All of that work has led me to using a few new supplements I never tried before.

Before I get into them, here’s the problem. I am extremely tired.. all the time. You’d think that 3:30am or 4am wake ups are the cause of that, and it’s quite possibly the case, but even if I slept in or slept long and well, I am still tired.

I have trouble concentrating. 7 or 8 hours of sleep and a pot of coffee and I’d still have trouble concentrating on anything.

Reading is one of my favorite things to do.. two years ago I read over one hundred books in a single year. One fucking hundred. That’s like almost two books a week. That doesn’t include the books I listened to on iTunes or YouTube. But now, I can’t even read three sentences before I yell “Look a squirrel”

It’s quite depressing actually because reading is enjoyable and I learn a shit ton from it.. and learning is cooler than ice cold beer. Serious. Sorry.

Getting my ass moving in the gym was becoming an issue as well. I found myself skipping workouts or just riding the AirFan like a bum more than I did actually lifting weights and getting stronger..more fit. As a coach, a trainer, and a gym owner a man in my position can not afford to be made to look RIDICULOUS! #FredoYouBrokeMyHeart #JohnnyGetsThatPart

My joints also ached a ton and I had some big time back problems. I hurt my hip twice, my back twice, and my shoulder in the span of a few months. It all stemmed from moving like a slug and not being focused.

So, I had trouble concentrating, I couldn’t get my ass working out, and I was in pain.

I was also extremely irritable and angry. I think that’s just genetic but still, gotta try.

Recently I started taking five new supplements.

1. Tribulus Terrestris


3. Pregnenolone

4. Krill Oil

5. Lion’s Mane Mushrooms


1. Tribulus has effects of virility and vitality in the human body. Not to mention it helps the sir stand straighter. But the reason I take it is because it has an effect on the androgen receptor density in the brain. That’s kind of important for our hormones. Much of the research I did made me believe I was has dysfunction in my hormones somewhere.. and without taking a full on blood test, I’m not sure I’ll ever know. One thing for certain is that I feel more energetic.. it could be a placebo effect.

2 and 3. Researching what was going on in my life led me to the possibility of Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome. Symptoms of AFS? Mild depression, check. Low energy, check. Food allergies or sensitivities, check. Decreased ability to handle stress, HAHA check. Dry skin, check. Plus much more. So naturally doctor Google made the case of it being possible and I listened. I began looking into ways to overcome it and fell upon DHEA and Pregnenolone. Not to mention DHEA also came up in research for joint pain and aches. It helps lower inflammation in the body, aka joint pain and aches. DHEA helps mood swings, cognitive ability, and helps protect the brain. Pregnenolone boosts cognitive function. It improves learning ability and memory while also aiding in mood boosting and depression relief.

4. For the longest time, since I can remember, ever since I started working out I was supplementing with Fish Oil. After listening to quite a few podcasts and hearing recommendations from many trusted people, I began using Krill Oil instead. Krill Oil is a great source of healthy fats that help many functions of the body. It also is believed to be a great help in reducing joint pain and aches. It’s been said to help treat depression, protect against heart disease, and help prevent certain types of cancer.

Krill Oil has been said to be better than fish oil with less (like zero) side effects. You absorb the fatty acids better when taking Krill Oil versus Fish Oil and it’s said to be mercury free which is a problem in today’s world with all forms of fish.

I started using it to see if it helped with my joint pain. So far I can say that the little pain I did have has not been as much of a factor and some days I go through the whole day without noticing any pain. That’s a huge fucking win.. because pain sucks.

5. Reading.. or as I call it.. Nap time.. became a distant memory to me. I’d hardly get through a book. I’d be working on my emails and forget what I was doing or drift off to another place. Distracted and unable to concentrate. Then, I heard about Lion’s Mane Mushrooms and how it can help brain function, improve concentration, and memory. I immediately decided to give it a go. The first few days I was buzzing and literally felt the effects instantly. I was at a meeting and didn’t yawn once. Normally I’d be fighting to stay alert. My notes were always chicken scratch.. but those two days my notes where written in alien. Seriously, looking at the notes now I think “Did I actually write that way?” It was most definitely because of the Lion’s Mane. I literally felt the buzzing going through my whole.

I had a similar effect like that from Ciltep by Natural Stacks the first two days I took it. Ciltep is similar to Lion’s Mane.

Anyway, Lion’s Mane is also a powerful antioxidant and helps aid digestion. I took it because I wanted to see how it helped my concentration and focus and right away I knew and felt it was helping.

Much of the effects and results of these supplements can be related to the placebo effect and I’m currently only on week 3 of using them. There is a lot more trial and error to be done and a lot of research to continue. I will continue to update about the progress and results from said supplements. Do not take any of these supplements because of what I wrote, and always check with your doctor first. Due your own research and if what I said here is a crock of shit.. I’m sorry.. I just relate back what I learn from other people and experience.

My Attitude is All Fucked Up and Real Shitty

It’s been awhile since I wrote and the last time I wrote I said the same thing…

A lot has happened in the past few months.

My family and I moved from where we were living to another place and saved a ton of money. We decided to say F the man and stop paying for ridiculous amounts of taxes and other things and now we’re better off.

During that time, I’m not going to lie, I went through some dark shit. I was tired, exhausted, frustrated, worried, anxious, nervous, depressed, angry, and a million other emotions at the same time. It sucked. I was not a happy person and was very unpleasant and many things happened over the course of the last two years that really got to my head.

I could sit here and pretend like life was awesome, being a coach and a trainer the norm is to say it was.. to pretend like everything is gravy. The truth is, much of it fucking sucked.

Many people put on a mask of denial and “fakeness” and walk through life never addressing the elephant in the room. For me it was different but very similar. I did hide a lot but I also confronted the shit that needed to change. Much still needs to be addressed but slowly I am making my way to a new light.

For the past few months I was reflecting back on my writing, my attitude and my mindset.. my goals too.

I realized that a few years ago I was high.. super high… and not in the drug use way. I was high on life.. high on energy.. high on positivity and sunshine. Life was rainbows and glitter and superhero smashing. But then it all came crashing down and I was defeated. Stranded in a lonely world of darkness and anger and it affected EVERYTHING.

Looking back I see the books I wrote, the blog posts, the facebook images I created all touting positive attitudes and living a great life.. living activated…. awake and alive.

Problem came when that shit broke, and so did I.

I tried to force myself to write positive blog posts. Emails, blogs, and facebook posts about abundant living, happy times, glorious moments, and kicking ass and taking names. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake it.

My mindset and my heart was not there for that. I was hurt and I needed to retreat. I needed time to reflect on life and where I wanted to go with it. Writing anything but Fuck, Shit, Bitch, or Cocksucker was not happening.


Quoting and paraphrasing Prodigy from Mobb Deep “Yeah yo.. my attitude is all fucked up and real shitty.” But that’s exactly what it was like and it nearly ruined me, my business, and my marriage. I can’t say things are good now.. we all know I’m fucked up.. but so are you.. we all are and a great friend once said “let’s stop pretending”.

There’s a lot of work to be done and I have no idea when I’ll write again and what direction I’ll go in.. but the fact is.. I got that crap off my chest and if you don’t like the F word.. sorry.. but I’m not sorry. It’s muse material flowing through the stream of consciousness and when that shit calls.. you don’t stop writing.. you don’t censor.. you let it spit.

The Battle We Fight Daily

The great battle we all face is the battle of discipline. The battle of ego versus self.

Some mornings we start the day off feeling bad, shitty, like the day will be rough.

Some mornings we’re up before the alarm clock. We kick off the covers right away. We’re stoked.

The bed gets made, we get moving faster than the day before, and we’re ready to crush the day.

For the past two years I’ve been fighting this same daily battle. Here and there I get on a roll and here and there
I find myself in a slump.¬†Over the past few weeks I’ve been reading a few books on discipline and the subconscious mind to
help work through the ups and downs of life.

There are moments my ego wins. It caves to chocolate, to pizza, to sub sandwiches. The ego begs me to skip workouts and to
hit the snooze button for a few more minutes. The ego says “watch Shameless” instead of opening the book or doing the work.

Battling the ego is very exhausting but one thing that helps is working hard to be disciplined in areas of neglect or discomfort.

When you don’t feel like working out, just do something. 1 push up, 1 squat, 1 burpee. Repeat. Maybe doing that two or three times
you’ll probably be in a different mind frame and you’ll be primed to finish a few more.

Don’t have time to workout? Yes, you do. There is always twenty minutes before the alarm clock goes off.. you have an hour. You can
scratch together minutes to put some exercise together. You have to just move your body and do it. The ego says “No… no.. stay in bed” But the other voice says “Get up.. Just put the feet on the floor.”

Waking up early, like four in the morning, is hard. I hate it. Recently I moved and my commute went from thirteen minutes to over half an hour. Now, I need to get up at three-thirty in the morning. Millions of people hit the sheets at midnight, and waking up before four seems insane to them. The truth is, if you want to get up, you can. Get to bed earlier. Skip the mindless television shows and late night snacks and get to bed early.

How do you know it sucks if you’ve never been awake before five? Try it. Go to bed around nine or ten and wake up at four and train. Go and do it. Just try it.

Fighting the ego and sticking to the true desire of what you want to achieve is a daily task you need to attack each morning. Sure some days we’ll lose and losing is fine. But not today. Today we win and we do the work necessary to achieve our desire.

Build discipline in your daily life to do the great things that create a great life. The more we try to have discipline, the more we do the work that gets first downs. And the more first downs we get, the more we win.

Get to work.



The greatest teacher, failure is.



Writing has always been something I was drawn to. Since 2011 I’ve managed two different blogs about fitness, my life, and many other topics. But for most of 2017 I found myself lost in space and pulled away from the keyboard. For a few years while writing hundreds of motivating and educational blog posts I found myself faking much of life. Not that I wasn’t doing.. but the feeling inside of me was not the same as reflected through my writing.

You can say that much of my writing was done for myself, as lessons my subconscious was trying to teach my conscious. Time and again I wrote blog posts about living awake and alive, activated, in control, and have books with the same in their titles.. but it was almost like it wasn’t true. My feelings, emotions, and mental state didn’t match the words my fingers typed, or at least it feels that way.

A good part of this past year was spent in a state of consciousness that was frozen in time. I felt, and some days, still feel like my mind is a pile of melted plastic. My focus was lost. My drive and motivation to succeed in life, family, business, and jiu jitsu faded away and stagnant I became.

Excuses piled on top of more excuses?

I don’t think so. I believe I lost sight of my purpose after working myself into a burned out state. This is hard for people to realize because we’re living in a society that cums to the words “no excuses” and lives and breathes by doing.. getting.. always being busy.

That isn’t me and I tried to wear those clothes and I fell flat on my face.

Life Hulk Smashed me into the ground the way the incredible one did to Loki and then Thor. I am lost.. trying to hold the broken pieces and find the instruction booklet without everything falling out of my grip.

But to settle there and say I quit is not the way of the warrior. There is always a way out. There is ying to yang. Dark to light. Recently my family and I have been going through a major life change and doing it smashed me some more.. but through the tunnel I now see the light.

I got away from the good things I enjoyed, like writing, jiu jitsu, fishing, and meditation. Slowly things are coming back and today begins a new season of life. Jim Rohn, a famous author and motivational speaker, always talked about the seasons of life. Some moments of your life you’re in summer when the light shines, the crops give abundance, and we’re secure.. safe. Other moments are dark, cold, icy, and miserable like the winter. But no matter what season you are currently in, there is a break in the seasons coming.

Failure is the greatest teacher. Nothing can humble you more, teach you more, and prepare you more for the next season then failure. It’s hard for people to admit failure and it’s one the biggest fears people have. As a personal trainer I see people terrified of trying to exercise because of failure. But I’m here today telling you I failed, hard. I fucked up. I made bad decisions, I got weak, I was depressed, angry, and sad. Failure won and I lost.. and right now it’s war.

Victory is in sight and I feel like I am ready for this battle.. to finally win again and get back to where I was before. I’m not ready to let failure win for good. There is a way up and I’ll find the pinnacle.

Life punches hard. Mindsets fade to black from white. Passion and purpose get thrown in a locked box.. but there is always a way to keep trying, to keep moving forward.. never giving up.

Failure won once and taught me some of the most valuable lessons I needed to learn. Lessons nobody in my world could have ever taught me. I had to go through them. I had to experience what it was like. Sure, I can cry and quit.. but I’m an Activator.

Time to get to work.

You coming?

A bunch of blah, with a little bit of where the hell I’ve been.


I’m not going to lie… I thought I’d never write another blog for the hell of it again. It’s been way too long. This type of shit always seems to happen, where I go days or weeks without writing.. But this time was different. I went months without blogging on this site. Disappeared without a note, nor any sign of return.

Looking back through the archives I can see there have been some excellent posts I made. I wrote a lot about being a positive person and chasing success and effort.

The break in the chain came in the real world beyond the keyboard where everything I wrote about was a crock of shit. Mr. Happy and Positive was slowly dying on the inside and nobody would ever know. You couldn’t tell and I wouldn’t let you that close anyway.

Going through the archives I know I’ve had this problem. It’s almost like a bipolar roller coaster of do and do not. Times I’m on fire throwing up multiple posts a week and there were times I fell off the flat earth. It is flat, right?

Lately I can feel the energy starting to come back. The energy that took me from nothing to something. Go back five or six years ago and my social media pages and blog pages were full of new content, new insights, new ideas and thoughts.. now.. I’m lucky if I can hear myself think. Life was thrown into the dryer for multiple cycles (Like 6 months) on high heat.

I melted.

Could it be laziness or was it, is it, depression? Fear? Lack of living?

Whatever it is, I want to be back.

This is my first attempt at climbing back up the mountain of content creation.. for you. To help in anyway I can.

Before I go, since this was only meant as a practice run to get the Muse running again, I want to share a few things I’ve learned over the year.

1. Nothing else matters except the love you have, give, and receive. Without love, we’re dead.

Love isn’t a brand new pair of Uggs or a brand new car or a raise at work. Love is kindness, gratitude, and happiness.

I realize now more than ever that I lack nothing in my life. Any lack I feel is because I’m not giving enough of what it is I feel I lack, or enough of what is inside of me. #ThankYouPaul

2. Stop wasting time trying to impress people.

We don’t care.


3. Life should be lived well under the means you have to live by.

Sure you can live in a fancy 4 bedroom house with rooms you never walk into, but do you really NEED it?

No. Stop wasting money on stupid shit to impress people.. see #2.


4. Adults need time outs.

Send me to my room and lock the door. Please. I need it.. for my health, my well-being, and my happiness.

The more we unplug and get away, the stronger we will feel, the happier we will be.

#AllWorkAndNoPlay #HiJack

5. Stop taking life so serious.

We’re way too serious. We walk around seriously. We talk to each other seriously. We work too seriously.

Stop it for the love of fucking goodness.

Send dick and fart jokes to your friends.

Grab some beers and dance like a dork.

Be a prankster like you were when you were 10.

Find humor in everything.

What do I know though.. I’m just a wannabe blogger who pretends to know what he’s thinking… and hasn’t been around this ye site in 6 months..

Have a super awesome day.. and remember…

Send dick and fart jokes to your friends.

Just A Moment in Time

Everything I owned was towed away and never seen again. The car I owned which housed all of my possessions was removed from the street it was parked on. No phone call, no warning, but inside, I knew it was coming. Inside the car was everything that really meant nothing, but it was my all. Towed away and never touched again.

Today, I wonder what happened to the things in the car. I only had one key, actually I still have it. So what did they do? Did they smash the window or use that tool the cops use when someone foolishly locks their keys inside? What happened with my things? Did the tow truck company have big black garbage bags and throw it all away, or did they slowly go through it, looking for money, or valuables, or to laugh at the pathetic crap I owned?

There wasn’t much. Maybe a few hundred dollars worth of baseball cards, a bible, a metal softball bat, a Tupperware container of underwear and socks, and some notebooks that I wrote my thoughts in. What did those thoughts say? Was my writing any good? Was something I wrote a magnificent poem of life as a homeless man? Feelings so strong and vivid that the reader tightly squeezes the book or sits staring for a few moments after they finished?

I don’t remember what I wrote in those books. But, the thoughts are gone. Out in the universe somewhere. Hopefully they helped someone. When my car vanished, a little part of me died. When you’re broke, at rock bottom, and left without a dream, you’re kind of a broken man. Although I could walk around with my head up, pretending I was tough and could smile it off, inside it killed me. The day I knew I was a loser was the day my everything was taken away.

But there I was, still standing. Head high, faking my emotions, pretending I could do this thing called life, and here I am now. Writing about the story in my own house, soon to be prepping for the week at my own gym, hanging out with my wife, daughter, and son. Freaky. Crazy. Insanity.

Dreams do come true. You just have to work your ass off to realize it. A fantasy world is wonderful and I often still visit mine. A world where I have everything I want, do all the things I want, where happiness floods the soul, and the sun shines beams of joy into the skin of life. Dreams do come true. You just have to want it more than anything else, even if that means letting go of all the past.

The freshness of a new beginning is exciting, but the feelings of the lost past hurt worse than the excitement. It takes a lot of courage and passion to fight through it and remain positive. It can be done. I did it. Somewhat, somehow, but that silver car, once with all of my life, now, is nothing more than a moment I experienced and the power it created is amazing. Here’s a short blog post that may reach a hundred people or so. All from the experience of realizing I lost everything.

Losing everything taught me a novel of lessons. Ideas, thoughts, feelings, dreams, blueprints, and more. All created by a moment in time. A moment I never believed I could recover from, but it opened a whole new world and brought me the unexpected. Never would I have thought today I’d be writing this story, but I am and so I have to go with the flow.

The morning after I lost everything was an epic battle of do I continue this struggle or not? Why struggle for nothing? Why put up with the forces of nature that I forced on myself? My inner warrior woke up that day. The shaman warrior inside of my heart took control and created a new vision for my soul. That morning I knew what I had to do and I knew I was capable of it. Today, I’m glad I listened.

Getting Back to Writing

It’s been a rough year for me with writing. I’m not going to lie or make any silly excuse, except… I feel burned out. My life as Dad and a business owner has really gotten to me and it’s weighed me down for quite a long time. I often feel depressed because of my exhaustion but still push hard through it all.

Getting up at four in the morning isn’t easy. Especially after dinner is eaten close to nine at night. I’m lucky if I get five hours of sleep each night. For some people that is enough, but when beat down, it’s not. I lift heavy three or four days a week and train Jiu Jitsu as much as I can. Sleep is more important for me than it is for many others. The recovery that comes with that sleep is crucial for my well-being, and I don’t get it enough.

Hence, by being burned out, the first thing that went was my writing. The time I would spend writing went to either naps or just vegging into space in complete bewilderment. I often tried, sitting at the computer with my blog site open, to write.. only to stare lifelessly into the abyss of technology. Nothing came out it and I’d close the computer and feed my kids.

On days I wanted to write I’d open my blog site and write a fictional story about a man looking for answers in his Grandfather’s murder. Some times I would write a post about life, or fitness, or something and stop half way, stuck at a fork in the road. Instead of choosing a turn, I’d quit. Other days I’d try to write only to say to myself “I have no idea what to write about” or “Nobody wants to read this shit” and I’d quit again.

I’m trying to get back into writing. I’ve written five books, hundreds of blog posts, thousands of daily emails, and as of right now, I feel like I never wrote a day in my life.

My attention span seems pretty shitty as of late as well. Whatever though, because these excuses are just that, excuses. I can pick up my fingers and write something like “Go fuck yourself and stop being a whiny little bitch and start writing and keep going. Don’t quit because quitters are losers, blah the fucking blah blah.” and in doing so, it’s practice and practice helps make you better. Writing is something that needs to be done everyday to get better. You won’t be able to write, if you don’t write. Right?